The Auction
by Sara Minks
Summary: An Auction for the Affections of All the Awesome Aspirants! Please R&R if you’re in the mood for a little comedy! Back by popular demand hehe...
1. Into to the Auction

Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter books, blah blah...

_(A/N just one  thing.... in this fic, Harry, and later Hermione (and maybe even more later on) are out of character.  This is intentional.  I am a twisted person that way, and making them out of character fits my story.  Please don't hate me.. :)_

Ch. 1

            Harry Potter walked onto the stage that had been set up in the Leaky Cauldron.  He looked around, smiled, took out his wand and put it to his throat, and muttered something that sounded like "blunderbuss".  He smiled again, stepped up to the middle of the audience, and said, his voice magically magnified _(A/N- try saying that 10 times as fast as you can),_

"Ladies and Gentlemen, honored witches and wizards, welcome to the Leaky Cauldron's 1st annual auction!" thunderous applause.  "For those of you who don't know me-" a few laughs. "I'm Harry Potter, and I'll be your host for tonight.  All the funds for this auction go to a great cause- saving Bernie Botts, the maker of your favorite every flavored beans, from bankruptcy.  We all know about that unfortunate incident with the asparagus-flavored bean and our Minister of Magic, but luckily Bernie has been able to save enough money that didn't go into the court proceedings that he'll give a free bag of beans to everyone here tonight!" more applause.  "And finally, let me remind you that this auction is for a _date_ with your chosen one, nothing more and nothing less." his eyes passed over to a group of goblins who were looking very excited.  "All right, and now... the contestants!

Ron Weasley- this wizard loves a good time, and enjoys a good laugh, not to mention anything but corned beef!

Severus Snape- this Hogwarts Potions professor loves a romantic evening by a softly bubbling, fuming cauldron, not that he wouldn't say no to a bit of red wine!

Hermione Granger- this clever witch loves a moonlit stroll along a beach, and reading by the fire (as long as it wasn't made by house-elves).

Draco Malfoy- this wizard likes painful torture devices- haha, just kidding after all, and spending time with a loved one.

Fleur Delacour- this French witch is doing this for the cause, as she wanted me to say, but probably wouldn't say no to a nice dinner of bouillabaisse as well!

Minerva McGonagall- this Hogwarts Transfiguration witch "loves Bernie's beans", haha, and "doesn't want to see them going anywhere!"

Millicent Bulstrode- this beautiful witch just wants a "night out on the town" with her prince charming.

And your last contestant will be yours truly!  So, haha, save the best for last, ladies!  

Everyone ready?  Lets get started!  Bring out... Ronald Weasley!

_A/N- tell me what you think!  I'll be posting ch. 2 sometime this weekend... it gets better, I promise!  That's right; just press the little button at the bottom of your screen..._


	2. Ron's Race

Ch. 2

Just then, the song "Pretty Fly for a White Guy" came blaring from the walls.

Ron Weasley, face so bright red that he looked like some sort of a deranged beet, came walking onto the stage wearing a tight black shirt and loose jeans. _(A/N- sure, it's muggle clothing, but can't you imagine it?) _  He did a little dance to the song as he made his was to the front, took a deep breath as the song toned down a bit, smiled at the crowd, and said, voice slightly trembling,

"Hi, ladies and gentlemen- well, mostly ladies, har har.  I'm the first up, so I thought I'd do a little bit of comedy.  Er- you do like comedy, right?  So, ah, why did the chicken cross the road?  Haha, just joking" – trembling even more now- "but seriously, folks, er- what's the deal with wands these days?  Is it just me, or are they getting-er- heavier?"- a few weak laughs along with shouts of "it's just you!"- Ron was visibly trembling now.  "Yeah, maybe so.  But, uh, what's the deal with Muggles these days?  They're getting all riled up.  I mean, here we are, minding our own business, and there they are, making up books, shows, even movies, pretending they know who we are."- Uncontrollable trembling now- "well, I've seen their versions of witches and wizards, and, last time I checked, we don't-er- we don't...." and then he fainted. 

Two men in black robes jumped out from behind the stage and dragged him behind the curtain, as Harry rushed back on.

"Ah... well, it seems that we've misplaced our comedian, but no worries, ladies, he'll be back later on.  So, then!  Get ready for our next crazy contestant, Severus Snape!

_(A/N- it's short, yeah, but Ron'll be back later.)_


	3. Snape's Story

Ch. 3

Severus Snape walked onto the stage to the song "Barbie Girl", looked around confusedly, shouted something to the backstage, and then came back on to an 80's techno song instead.  He looked around, smiled a rather nasty smile, and started to do the robot.  It looked a bit like he was having seizures on the stage, but since he was standing, people let it slide.  Afterwards, however, he attempted to do a bit of break dancing- namely, spinning on his head, but stopped shortly and got back up, rubbing his head.  After he finished, he smiled again, sweat all over his face, not to mention his black robes, walked to the front of the stage, muttered something that sounded like "take your best shot", and waited.  Harry's voice came out from the walls, and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, Severus Snape!" not much applause, and most of it came from a corner of the room, where a person was sitting, covered in shadow.  Harry's voice again: "We'll start the bidding at 5 sickles!" Snape looked furious, but swallowed his anger, and tried to smile a sweet smile, which looked more like a dog had just had an accident on him.

"10 sickles!" came a voice.

"15 sickles!" came another.

"40 sickles!" came a voice from the corner where most of the applause had been generated.  No one took up the challenge, and Harry's voice came over the loudspeaker again; "40 sickles going once, going twice... sold to the person in the back!"

And out of the corner came a very happy-looking Gilderoy Lockhart, who rushed up to the stage, took Snape by the arm, and proceeded to drag him back to his table.  The words "good thing I got you before anyone else, Snapeykins!" were heard over the crowd, who were mostly cracking up because Snape, who looked like he was about to explode and kill them all, being led by a Lockhart who was too busy looking like he won the lottery to look over at Snape.  He told him, loud enough for the whole room to hear, who were trying to see what was going on anyways, "Don't worry, Snapeypoo, I've got a very nice evening planned out for us!  A fire, a bottle of red wine (I know you love it, *wink wink*, and little old me to talk to all night!" it looked like Snape, who was now seated at the table, was trying best to decide how to break the bottle of wine on the table over Lockhart's head.

Harry Potter came back out, looked as if he was trying his best not to die of laughter as he looked in Snape's direction, and commented, "A match made in heaven.  All right, and now for our next contestant, Hermione Granger!  Come on out, Hermione!"

_(A/N- sorry for the wait for the next chapter.  I've updated it, but it took a little motivation for my lazy self.)_


	4. Hermione's Hangover

Lightfox, Silvertenshi, thanks so much for your reviews!!  Since I got at least 2 readers, I'll keep going! (as if I wasn't going to in the first place.  This amuses me).

(Please read the new author's note in CH. 1- there's something that I think needs explaining...)

Ch. 4

Hermione Granger stepped onto the stage, dressed in sparkly pumps, a purple miniskirt, and a neon blue top.  There was no music this time, and complete silence (except for a clunk clunk as she was walking- she didn't seem used to these kinds of shoes- and a few catcalls) as she walked up to the center of the stage.  

Suddenly, she waved her hand and Madonna's 'Ray of Light' came blaring around the room, along with two wizards from out of the back stage.  She then proceeded to start singing along with the words, with those two wizards as back-up dancers.  Good thing everyone was concentrating on her, because one of the back-up dancers was quite clumsy.  Hermione, as well, was horribly off key- but no one was really paying attention to her singing.  They were paying more attention to the growing rip along the side of her skirt, that got a little bigger after each hip movement (which was quite often, as she tried to keep time with her hips).  

If you were ultimately blind and deaf, the show was quite a success.  But lets give Hermione a little bit of credit here.  She made an effort, and at each chorus the back-up dancers would begin break-dancing (which the clumsy one wasn't too bad at), and Hermione would stop singing and do a little dancing of her own.  However, as this went on throughout the whole song, and her skirt was getting smaller and smaller, when the song finally ended with Hermione doing a series of 'hip acrobatics', _(A/N- bear with me here)_, Hermione's now non-existent skirt decided it didn't want to cooperate anymore, and fell clean off.  

At this, Hermione screamed, and the good back-up dancer flew in front of her, while the clumsy one proceeded to throw his robe off of him and wrap it around her, exposing a white shirt, black pants, and no other than Viktor Krum.  As the lights came back on for the bidding, they revealed Charlie Weasley covering her up.  Watching from backstage, Harry couldn't help thinking to himself that however amusing it was, it must have taken a lo-ot of convincing to get them to agree to this.  But as it turns out, Hermione got some of the highest bids that night.

Most of them were between the group of rowdy goblins and Viktor, who was now posing as an audience member, but Viktor ended up getting it, because it seemed there was no way he was going to hand her over to a bunch of goblins.  _(A/N- for all of those in the Goblin Protection Agency, please excuse that harsh portrayal of otherwise kind and friendly goblins.)_


	5. Draco's Disaster

"And now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome...Maco Dralfoy!  Whoops... I mean, Draco Malfoy!"  _(A/N- ok, I know it's random, but come on...)_

As soon as Draco Malfoy stepped onto the stage, the soft murmur of people talking died out.  He walked onto the stage with a big cast on his leg, and a crutch in one hand; and a saxophone in the other.  He waved at the audience with a sort of grimace on his face as someone brought out a chair for him.

"Hello gentlemen, and especially ladies!" he began, his drawling voice sounding very forced, as if he was in great pain but trying not to show it.  "I had a slight accident before the show, but have decided to perform for you nevertheless.  It seems I had been innocently riding my broomstick-"

Suddenly, a new voice rang out through the hushed room.  "And I'll break your other leg if you so much as TRY to TOUCH my broomstick again!"  And there was a very angry Oliver Wood.  Suddenly, Draco didn't look quite so composed.

"Yes- well.  Er- I'm going to be playing the saxophone for you tonight."  Draco nervously fidgeted on his chair, passing quick glances at Wood, until the lights dimmed, and a spotlight came onto the stage, only illuminating Draco.  He put down his crutch, picked up the sax, took a deep breath, and began a slow blues tune, deep and full of _(A/N- I really don't understand how...) _emotion.  The crowd was silent the whole time, except for Oliver Wood talking under his breath, and a certain young lady with a face like a pug that was squealing every now and then, eyes bright and mouth slightly open.  The song didn't last too long, but Draco was undoubtedly a good player- he pulled off the song very well.  As he played his last note, a sort of eruption took place in the pub.  However, it wasn't all good.  A few snotty-looking girls were absolutely screaming their heads off, but most of the men seemed to be incredibly annoyed for some reason.  And the tension mounted higher, Harry's voice came on over the loudspeaker,

"And now, lets hear our bids!"

"60 sickles!" yelled one girl.

"80 sickles!" yelled another.

"One galleon!" screamed the girl that had been squealing earlier- Pansy Parkinson.

"Two galleons!" shouted the first girl.

"No!!  Three!"  And with that, the battle of the ladies began.  But the men weren't very calm either.

"That's my saxophone!" yelled one.

"That's _my_ chair!!" yelled another.

"Well he stole MY broomstick!!" shouted Oliver Wood repeatedly.  And with _that_, the shouting turned into a full-out brawl, with all the men fighting each other, and all the women fighting each other as well- though no one was really sure why.  Had Malfoy not been running, crutch and injury forgotten, towards the backstage after seeing some men fighting to get to him with extremely angry looks on their faces, he probably would've been smirking.

And as Harry actually came out onto the stage, yelling at everyone to be quiet, the room gradually fell silent again.

"Thanks-" said Harry, until he saw that the majority of the people had been knocked out.  There was only one girl and the group of goblins, looking very boisterous, still upright.  The girl was Pansy Parkinson, and as she yelled, "Four galleons" before falling unconscious as well, but with a pleased look on her face, Harry had no choice but to give her the date.  Draco would be quite disgruntled later on, as he would find her backstage waiting for him with a very strange look on her face.

Meanwhile, Harry was trying to figure out what happened- until he saw that all of people had empty punch glasses in their hand, and the goblins had an extremely large bottle of Odgen's Old Firewhiskey, completely empty, at their table.  A shower of cold water came from Harry's wand and everyone came to- looking extremely content, except for those who were rubbing their heads, mumbling.  

"Well, I'm sure we've all had our fill of refreshments, but we still have some contestants left!" Harry said, rather nervously, to the bewildered crowd.  He quickly added, "And now lets bring back our second contestant, Ron Weasley, who has recovered and is very excited..."

(A/N- I wanted to be mean to Draco, but I'm afraid of all you crazy people out there that like him, so I decided to be neutral... wow I'm such a wimp!  I hope you liked this one... I didn't as much, but I'm trying to get back into this fic, cuz  I like it so much...)


	6. Retry Ron!

(A/N- *sniff* I don't own the characters... *sniff*... but the story is mine!!!  Mwahahaha!!!  Well er,  in any case, thanks so much to you guys who are actually reading this far... it makes me happy to see somebody likes this story!!

P.S.- if the characters seem out of wack, as I mentioned a while ago, it's because this is MINE!!  Again, that's the reason why I don't own Harry...)

Ron walked cautiously out onto the stage.  A few people in the audience looked as if they wanted to laugh, but held it in.  Ron tried to look very serious, in his new royal blue dress robes, but the people sitting close to him could see that he was shaking slightly on his wobbly legs.  He looked around, flashed a quick smile at someone in the audience, and gulped before he opened his mouth-

"Hey Weasley!  Not gonna faint again, are you?" a jeering voice called out in the crowd.  A few people laughed, but Ron held his head up high- although, a few people noticed, his ears had turned slightly pink.

"As a matter of fact, I was getting ready for my new act,"  he said, and then snapped his fingers.  A jazzy music began, and, had anybody been looking backstage, they would've seen a quick spark come towards Ron, followed by the sound of two identical redheads giving each other a high five.  But no one noticed, because they were all too busy staring, openmouthed, at Ron, who had started a tapdance.  Yes, that's right.  Tapdancing.  They couldn't believe it either.  The _click, clackety clack_ of his shoes, keeping in perfect time with the music was enough to make anyone look twice.  That is, until the music started getting faster.  And, even though his feet kept moving with the music, now doing an amazing array of acrobatic feats that Ron certainly couldn't have managed normally, the look on Ron's face showed that he was holding his breath, and the panicked look in his eyes showed that he definetely _wasn't _expecting the music to be speeding up.

But it didn't stop there.  What would have normally been a slow jazz tune by one Mr. Armstrong (no, not the muggle who was convinced he was the first on the moon.  Crazy muggles.  Another Armstrong), well now it wasn't remotely slow.  The normally long notes of the trumpet were so sped up now that it sounded like a jazzy square dance tune _(A/N- I can't think of a really fast music!!  Aarrg!)_... and then, a jazzy series of notes that, didn't even sound like a tune anymore, just a continuous set of noises- but Ron's feet kept on going.  He looked as if he was ready to faint, despite the awestruck and wildly appreciative audience, and his upper body started wobbling again (his feet, of course, could've been disjoined to the rest, by the rate they were going at)- but then, thankfully, the song ended.  Ron, head obviously spinning, bowed, and then collapsed onto the floor, as the bids began quite enthusiastically. 

"30 sickles!" yelled one girl.

"60!" shouted another.

"2 galleons!" screamed an ecstatic middle-aged woman.

"5 galleons!  I want him!  5 galleons!"  shrieked one last girl, hopping up and down.

"5 galleons going once... twice... sold!"  Harry's voice echoed around the room, and the lights then revealed a red-faced Padma Patil.  Apparently, she had enjoyed the show.  

"Magically altered dance shoes!  Look like a pro in front of all your friends!  The newest product by Weasley's Wizard Wheezes!  A bargain- only 2 galleons a pair!" came the sound of identical voices.  A few people looked at Ron, who was slowly walking backstage, and smirked.  Padma didn't look as appreciative as she had a few seconds ago, and sat back down sullenly.  Hermione Granger, a few tables away, looked at her and scowled, as Viktor Krum was enthusiastically talking about something else, making large hand movements, knocking over a glass in the process.

"Well, that's that!  And now, lets bring out.... Fleur Delacour!"  Harry's voice rang out, as a girl slipped out onto the stage...

(A/N- ack.  didn't really like that one.  might scrap it.  I dunno... I'm forcing myself to write- I haven't in a while, and I guess this is what I get!!  Please Read and Review, otherwise I'll sick my house elf on you!  Ahh!!!!  No, seriously, Hermione, I was only joking... joking!!!!   Help me!!!!  Review!!!  P.S.--- NEXT ONE'S BETTER- I STARTED IT ALREADY, I LIKE IT BETTER!

P.S.- Thanks to Pen pencil whatever, Hollie, and Haven for their reviews!!  I love you!!!)


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